If you don’t understand WHY Gisele Pelicot is doing what she’s doing - or WHY rape victims feel shame - consider the following:
When women report assault they’re often asked:
What were you wearing?
Were you drinking?
Did you encourage him?
When we speak out about misogyny, patriarchy, abuse etc .. we have to endure a chorus of men yelling “not all men!” at us.
We KNOW it’s “not all men”.
You know what else we know? It’s far TOO many men.
We also understand that we don’t KNOW who the good ones are.
It was Gisele’s husband who drugged her and solicited men to assault her. They had been married for decades. Had children & grandchildren. She planned to live the rest of her days with him.
If you asked her - I’m sure she would have said he was a “good man”.
Therein lies the problem. More often than not - you don’t know until you know. Until they harm you.
And that is why we aren’t safe. Its why we’re angry. It’s why we’re sick of “not all men”.
On a personal note - I’ve had men lash out at me for being outspoken on this topic. They’ve demanded I make more of a point to acknowledge the “good men”.
They call me names and withhold friendship and support. They (ironically) end up proving my point.
When you yell “not all men” at us - or demand we show more reverence to the “good men”… you’re not behaving like an ally. You’re not being a “good man”.
You don’t get a gold star for simply NOT assaulting women. That can’t be the bar anymore.
Consider the men who were approached to participate in Gisele’s assault and declined.
I bet you they think of themselves as “good men.” They were frequenting a website that focused on violating women without their consent.
But they said “No”. They chose NOT to assault Gisele. So they want their gold star.
They didn’t stop the abuse. They didn’t go to the police or Gisele. They didn’t condemn her husband’s behaviour. They didn’t state loudly that it was wrong.
They sat quietly by & did NOTHING.
This isn’t good enough anymore - it never should have been good enough.
Men - we NEED your voices. If you’re horrified by this case - speak up. If you know a victim of sexual assault - support her.
If someone confides in you - don’t immediately look for ways to blame them. Support them and condemn the behaviour.
Raise boys to know this behaviour is wrong AND instil in them the courage and knowledge needed to be willing to speak out.
Their buddies make rape jokes? Tell them it’s not funny.
Cat call a woman? Tell them to stop it.
Brag about their “conquests”? Tell them it’s wrong and you won’t listen to it.
These are just a small handful of examples. The sad reality is there are so many ways we reinforce patriarchal misogynistic attitudes from a young age - that it will take a concerted effort to change things
Gisele has taken a brave and powerful step - and we should join her.
Lastly - some of the accused men are trying to blame Gisele. They’re saying she knew and was a co conspirator with her husband.
They literally met him on a website about violating women WITHOUT their consent.
I feel sick but not surprised that they’re taking this approach.
Let’s all agree we won’t be silent any longer. We won’t allow ourselves to be shamed and blamed for the behaviour of others. We won’t be bullied into silence.
We will speak up together in support of Gisele and ALL victims - and we will hold men accountable.
More here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ckgr2yym0nko
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